Ballooning

MAN: (addressing audience) Ohh. When did we meet? That's a good question. Is it bad that I can't really remember? (looks to woman) When did we meet?

WOMAN: Are you telling me you can't remember? (addresses audience) Shocking, isn't it? (shakes head) Well, the truth is we met (pauses as she thinks)  quite a while ago.

MAN:  Three years ago!

WOMAN:  Yes, three years ago. Spot on.

MAN: Wait. Three years? Has it only been that long? I'd say about four realistically.

WOMAN:  I think it's only been about 2 and half years, three at the most.

MAN: Really? Well where did we meet then?

WOMAN: Was it at Rosie's? You knew Rosie didn't you?

MAN: Yeah, of course I do, I mean, we each knew her before we met each other.

WOMAN: Exactly and didn't we meet at her birthday party, 25th I think it was; With the chocolate fountain and those meringues.

MAN: Oh and the chocolate truffles. God, they were great.

WOMAN: Yeah, they were good times. I'm sure that's where we met, isn't it? I mean, it was such a good laugh I can't imagine us meeting anywhere else.

MAN: It was a fun party, that is for sure. Don't think it's place that we met though.

WOMAN: I'm pretty sure it was.

MAN: No, see, 'cause I remember Rosie coming up to us and we were all pretty er... The alcohol had taken effect and me and you were sharing a truffle. And Rosie, being Rosie said something like 'Oh you guys should be a couple' or something like that and we found this hilarious because we already were one. We laughed for like ten minutes.

WOMAN: Alright, maybe. But I don't remember that bit.

MAN: Yeah, er, you were pretty drunk.

WOMAN: Sounds like me. Why can't we remember when we met. It wasn't really that long ago, was it?

MAN: I don't know, I don't think so, I was just kidding when I said four years, but still. I don't know about you but it feels like something I would remember.

WOMAN: Yeah, exactly. It's a shame really.

MAN: I guess, but it's not the end of the world. It's not like we don't have other great memories.

WOMAN: Like what?

MAN: (pause/thinking) Rosie's party?

WOMAN: We know about that one. What about others?

MAN:  Christmas?

WOMAN: Christmas is always the same, you get drunk, I get drunk, we forget about the turkey and end up having tuna sandwiches. Watch Doctor Who and then fall asleep with the TV tuned into the 1994 Christmas special of the Royale Family.

MAN: Pretty much what we do most days to be honest. But what about that one time at my parent's?

WOMAN: I've never met your parents.

MAN: Of course you have, don't be silly... Haven't you?

A pause as both look up at the audience.

WOMAN: It hasn't been pointless has it?

MAN: What do you mean?

WOMAN: We can't even remember the first time we met. What does that say about us? If we can't remember these times then what's the point?

MAN: We had met before, in Smiths. I say met, we were in the same aisle; she was perusing the women's magazines and I was deciding which was best, a snickers bar, or a packet of minstrels. Needless to say, I took the snickers bar. She seemed different from the other women I'd seen around the shop, for one, she was pretty. That's rare in WH Smith's. No offense, but it's normally full of elderly women being dragged around by four year old grandchildren through the aisles of the shop and as much as I like to keep my options open, I like to think I could get someone who's a bit closer to my age.

I didn't say anything to her and instead tried to catch her gaze, but she was too occupied by the fashion magazines; but that's another reason why she seemed different to other women. She didn't just go straight for the in-your-face 'Hello' or 'OK' or 'Fuck Off' magazines, whatever they're called, she was looking at actual, readable magazines. I wanted to say something to her, like, I dunno, "Good choice," but she'd probably think I was gay or something, besides, I don't know the difference between them.

So when I said met, I meant we breathed the same air for about five minutes. She grabbed her magazine and I paid for my snickers bar.

I bumped into her again up at HMV; purely coincidental. Well, not really, I followed her.

WOMAN: When I first walked into the aisle he was standing there with a packet of minstrels in one hand and a snickers bar in the other as if weighing them to see which would be better value for money. It was weird; don't get me wrong, but it made me smile. When he noticed me looking at him he blushed and dropped them both back onto the shelf and acted as though he was looking for something else. I could see he was embarrassed as he turned away and I will admit he looked kinda cute.

I started fiddling around with the fashion magazines, Vogue and all that sort of stuff. It's not the kind of thing I like, what I really wanted was a copy of 'Hello', but that was in the other aisle and I didn't want to leave him just yet. After a while I got a bit impatient, he was just standing there staring at the minstrels, I was going to say to him, "Just make your bloody mind up," but I was too scared. A couple of times he shifted up the aisle towards me and I got kind of excited, but he'd only shift back down the other end again to look at the snickers bar.

So finally I gave up, I realised it was bloody useless and walked out the aisle. Plenty more fish in the sea I thought. I realised I still had the magazine with me and so went and paid for it, even though I didn't want it, and left the store.

I was walking up to HMV and I just couldn't get him out my head, I don't know what it was about him, but there was something that just clicked. I wanted to speak to him again. I got to HMV and went and looked at the chart CDs, I never buy anything there, never got enough money, I just go and stare them, longingly. A couple of minutes later guess who walks in? The chart for the CDs is right next to the entrance, you see, so I saw him as soon as he came in the door.

MAN: Oh bollocks, she's spotted me. That's the first thing I thought when I entered. I wasn't actually sure whether she'd come in here or gone into Evans which is just next door and that's a girls shop, so it's not like I could've walked in there and just hung around inconspicuously. Thankfully she came in here. I'm pretty sure she knew I followed her so I didn't look at her, I pretended I hadn't seen her and walked immediately to the 'Rock and Pop' section near the back of the store and pretended to be engrossed by all the crap music. I could see the chart CDs from where I stood and saw her just standing there in front of the CDs just staring.

I wondered along the aisle, absent-mindedly flicking through the CDs, not paying attention to them, mostly just looking up and watching her. One of the CD covers caught my eye and I found myself picking it up and having a look at it. It was Dire Straits, I think I'd seen the same album at my friend's house and had only picked it up because I recognised it; I don't listen to that stuff; not really sure what I listen to. So  I looked up, to see whether or not she was still staring at the wall and saw that she'd left, I guessed she'd gone upstairs so I turned around to exit the aisle. I was wrong. She was standing right next to me. She was also blocking my only exit from the aisle, the other end having been taken over by gossiping school girls.

WOMAN: I'm curious, a bit more than curious. I get bubbly, I know it sounds cliché or weird or whatever but it's nice. Having someone look at me and smile, it makes me want to smile and I feel silly for doing it, but it's good to feel silly. But it's more than just bubbly, it's kind of like there's a balloon inside of me and it's inflating and deflating constantly. I'm whirly, if that makes sense. Up and down, in and out, back to front and all over again. I know where I am but it doesn't feel real, it could be a dream and I'm scared to move because I don't really want to wake up. But this is apparently it, this is what it feels like, all the time. I could get used to this which is why I'm also scared; what happens when I wake up one day and I don't feel like this and that bubbly feeling inside has popped and the balloon is no longer inflatable. This is why I'm nervous, but I'm also nervous because it could be a good thing, I don't want to stop myself because it could be bad, I want to be able to go forward. I don't know what to say though. Mouth is dry and I can hear my own long deep breaths and so can he. Why can't this be easier, why can't he just say something? That's the way it's meant to be, isn't it? I mean, don't the guys start this stuff off? Don't they walk up and chat you up, full of bravado and alright usually a couple of pints I'll admit.  That's all he needs to do,  all I want him to do is talk to me, is that so hard?

MAN: What should I do, what should I say? I'm not used to this. I don't know how to talk, especially to... girls. I can't wrap my tongue around these words, help me to do it. It feels like I've got popcorn in my belly, bursting and popping and I know if I try to say anything, all that will tumble out is this toffee or salted flavoured snack and then what will I do. I'm standing right next to her and I can't say anything, I don't know if it'll come out right. What if I squeal or something? I don't want to scare her. Bleeuuurghsquiggle. That's what will probably come out, or plubplubplubplubplub it won't make sense to her, it makes sense to me because I know what I'm trying to say but actually saying it is shit. It doesn't work. I waaaaaaaaaa, why won't it come out, it's just a word. It's scary, I'm scared. I've been here before, I know it doesn't always work out so i don't know if I should even be trying.  It's like this everytime. Nauseous, gag, hurl, spit, wretch, over and over again a tumble of stuff that I can't quite grasp and I just feel like screaming "AAARRRRGGHHH STOP!" One at a time, if all this weird emotional bile came in waves I could deal with it, but when it comes in a fucking mess like it does, all the time, then I can't do much, I can't decipher, I can't stop it, I can't redirect it. It's on my mind, all the fucking time and I'm almost sick of it and here it is again. I don't know how to deal with it. I hate feeling this uncomfortable, this unaware. I don't know what to do.

WOMAN: That's the way it's meant to be, isn't it? I mean, don't the guys start this stuff off? Aren't they the ones who walk up to and chat you up, full of bravado and alright usually a couple of pints I'll admit.  That's all he needs to do, all I want him to do is talk to me, is that so hard?
Well apparently it is; but I can understand where he's coming from. I didn't want to be the one who started this conversation, but I didn't feel that there was any other way forward. So, I took a deep breath and I said:

Excuse me... You don't have the time do you?

MAN: No. Yes. It's 1:20pm.

WOMAN: Thank you. (aside) And that was all I could say, I was wondering if I could somehow elongate the conversation at all, maybe tell him I misheard him. I turned towards the CDs and started flicking through them, shortly afterwards I heard something which sounded like him clearing his throat.

MAN:  I followed here. I'm sorry.

WOMAN: Sorry,  what did you say?

MAN: I... followed you here. I wanted to talk to you. We were in the same aisle at Smiths -

WOMAN: Yes, you were standing there wondering whether to buy the minstrels.

MAN: And the snickers bar. I saw you looking at the magazines, Vogue or Shampoo or whatever it was.

WOMAN: I don't know I wasn't really paying attention. I came into the wrong aisle by accident.

MAN:  Oh, so why'd you stay?

WOMAN: I wanted to see which one you'd choose.

MAN: Snickers bar. I have a fondness for nuts.

WOMAN: Lovely.

MAN: I can remember the sense of relief that overwhelmed me as we talked, I was still nervous, but that ballooning feeling of nausea and fear went away and eventually I realised it was just two people talking. There was nothing to be afraid of. Looking back I think it was some sort of fear of embarrassment, or someone getting that close that they saw the 'real me', whatever that is, you know? We all have those ticks, those habits, those little bits and bobs that define us and I was just scared that what defined me was what would put her off.

WOMAN: He eventually got round to asking me if I wanted to join him for a cup of coffee, not that I was timing him. I could see that he was more relaxed and this made me more relaxed in turn. As it turns out he wasn't just a snickers bar eating stalker. Inside I'm whirling and as far as I'm concerned that's the most important sign.

MAN: Do you think this is something we'll remember?

WOMAN: What do you mean?

MAN: I don't know, in three or four years time, whatever we're doing. We might not even see each other then, I hope we do, but you never know. Do you think we'll remember this?

WOMAN: I hope so, why wouldn't we?

MAN: I don't know, just an inkling I had.

End.